Sunday, September 11, 2005


Back in another session after lunch.
Still not interested.
I’m beginning to think that drinking might be part of the problem.
Mind wandering thinking about drinking
What else?
Scribbling here just to look busy
Getting to the
To turn
The page
Page turned
Nothing learned
Money burned

Getting back to the conversation with your brain (did he say mind?) what else is there, I ask. If you pull your mind out of your body, what is it talking to? Essentially, he was talking about his mind talking with his mind. I don’t think one would change the mind of the other. It becomes a question of free will versus predestination
Action versus procrastination
If I tell myself to do
To not be lazy
If I don’t
Am I crazy?
If I don’t want to do anything
What part of ME is going to make me
Do something
I could change my mind
What made me?
It calls into question
What I may be
If I don’t, though, if I continue down a path of self-destruction, is that simply who I am, what I am destined to be?
So bored
Looks untoward
Thoughts illicit
A mind complicit
Idle hands
And rubber bands
Paper clips
Sinking ships
Going down
Teary clown
Sulky sighs
Muscular thighs
Sight for sore eyes
Attracting flies
Honey pot
Not a lot
With expectation
(It’s always fraught with expectation, or fraught with danger)
I’m fraught, fraught a lot, fraught
With what?
Fraught on the spot
Without thoughts
Sleep on cots
Getting parallel
Sounds so attractive
Life is hell
I’m all reactive
Planning is work
I’m a phony jerk
What can I shirk?
What can’t I?
Eye to eye
The distraction?
Everything else
Nothing to say
What rhymes with else
What’s over that way
What did you say I couldn’t hear
I’ll step away and grab a beer
Else wells fells hells sells
Wounded Knee
You become what your mind focuses on
A sunset is the beginning of the dawn
The darkness is the middle step
Going down and coming up
Light to schlep
A flowing cup
Drunk is dark
Dusk to dawn
Contrast stark
Off to on
And sorrowing
And reeling
From a lifetime’s corruption
Purity’s disruption
Beyond recovery, evil’s discovery
The sordid standard
Human nature
I’m wearing a lanyard
An unhappy creature
My hidden feature
Sadness and badness
Loch Ness and talk less
NO – Think Less
And drink less
Do more
It all goes away again
Begin spin gin grin sin win
Toss joss gloss floss moss loss
Pain rain stain strain main gain
Whose booze clues rues blues lose
A long way to victory
It’s only survival
A life’s trajectory
The middle interval
An arc or an angle
participles dangle
Grammar’s archangel
Taking off
In one direction
Skim and scoff
Voice inflection
Fearing detection
Eyes in dilation
Inescapable path
Suffer the wrath
Feel the pleasure
Some stolen measure

Jibberish jibberish
Had to sit down and write down
(in quotation marks)
He adds parenthetically
Lights and darks
It’s really all gray
That’s all I have to say

Actually, I was thinking about the impression I’m leaving, the example I’m setting, coming home and drinking every night. People talk about wasted lives and potential unmet, but what about those lives that could have been worse. Is it a beautiful, pitiful, pathetic rationalization to say I might have been dangerous, caused more problems if I hadn’t kept myself consistently numb, diligently dumb, purposefully crippling by constantly tippling. I want to start a revolution, I want to flee to an island, I want to not be me, I want to not exist, I want to desist, to stop, to cease this release that flows, one only knows, where, care, care, care, for fuck’s sake care, but there’s a bar over there.

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