Friday, September 16, 2005

On my way to work this time in my car, going to the airport in the afternoon, well, not just the airport, going to Vegas. A rather uncertain feeling about this insurance gig.
The wife and I are already spending money and feeling comfortable, but it hasn’t even been two weeks and there’s the 90 day wait until benefits. I should feel comfortable but I don’t and I don’t want the wife to know how shaky I feel. Although I shouldn’t make too much of a week and a half.
The will to write is waning. I feel I had a window while manic but missed it. I should, hell, I don’t know what I should do. I want the first thing to be done – Billy Shakes revolutionary, convinces Korea to force US troops out of their country, western states of America secede, a Boston massacre moment as they try to haul Martin away from the SF jail, but it all turns out to be a dream as Billy returns to Soo and Nate on the ferry.
Then I want to be able to run through the second story, the cat/eagle/deer – the world faces decimation, population drastically declines as infertility strikes everyone, the Man and his family survive and must repopulate a world now dominated by the animals, except in the end the animals get outsmarted by the plants, and the world is left to vegetation.
I want these to be good (I wants to write good) I want them to be unique, powerful, funny yet lastingly meaningful. I have something to say and a different way of saying it, not convinced anyone would want to read it, and worried about exposing myself, revealing my “illness” – all that is subplot, it’s the subplot of my life.
And I have to work. I like getting paid, but am growing to believe this gig won’t last long.

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