Friday, September 16, 2005

10/1/7 AM Monday
Looking down for coins when bills are falling from the sky I was going to make this a poem but with a word like “sky” I ask myself why bother to try, it’s like cheating and I’d rather be eating my bagel. Hegel?
Struck again by the absurdity of putting it all together. The end would go on while I’m still writing the beginning so it grows from both ends losing and making friends, time bends or fails to exist hard to resist this style mile after mile we cross the Sound day after day another round?
Thought about truth/fiction fact/lie no contradiction no honesty my purpose when starting was quickly departing. So, scene with psychiatrist, $185 an hour for this. “You should probably slow down on the drinking.” You think? “Afterall, it is a depressant.” No shit. Once a month and insurance doesn’t even cover it. Another two grand, three for the drugs. 5K a year right out of the gate. “Maybe you should go back to your counselor,” he says. She’s the one who sent me to you. “It would be good for you to have someone to talk to.” I can just keep talking to myself, it’s worked for me so far. Except for that occasional voice telling me to throw myself in front of a bus.
I think, no, it wouldn’t be fair to the bus driver. And think of all the people who would be disgusted by the blood, not to mention the traffic delays. Jumping off the boat would be even worse. The wife would have to move. Think about the children! I used the exclamation mark sarcastically, by the way. “Let’s keep an eye on you for a few months. I don’t want to add an anti-depressant if we don’t have to.” Groovy, more drugs, that would be sweet, how much would that cost me. 60 minutes to gauge my biochemical needs, like a mechanic checking my oil. Where’s the dipstick? Oh, wait, that would be me.
I’m going to write a book on being bipolar. You were the one who told me I should chronicle my moods, keep track of the swings. “Well, yes, for your own information.” Right because I never had this information before. God forbid, you spend a few minutes outside this hour actually trying to learn more about what’s going on in my head. Hard to run folks through here fast enough to make a good living if you waste a bunch of time digging deeper. Throw more drugs at it.
Healthcare. Healthcare in this country. If I lose this job, we would have to spend $1,000 a month for decent healthcare and insurance. That’s not including my shit. So, you’re looking at $17K before you make dollar one. That’s after taxes. Rent/mortgage, food, clothes…It’s no wonder our emergency rooms are swamped.
I’m lucky, all I have to do is put up with a job I detest, think about the poor people who can’t find jobs to detest or detestable jobs that don’t pay well or cover insurance.
Boo-hoo. Buy a ticket, a ferry pass, ill? Lick it, get off your ass.
Just another day. The first one of October.

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